Yay for you!

Congratulations, University of Oxford!

You are now the proud recipient of my prestigious application. After many a day of comparing campuses, comparing meal plans, comparing dorm layouts, and comparing over all status and praise, I have found that your institution will be most suitable for my needs. Though you undoubtedly studied my biography and my recent collection of non-fiction books, this will not be enough information, when you inform the press of your shining achievement. So I’ve included a short manual of my greatest “Off Record” accolades, in order to prepare you for the onslaught of questions the press may have.

When I opened my tiny, infant, eyes for the first time in my life, I found myself in the icy pits of an arctic chasm, abandon by my mother. This was my home. Taught and raise by polar bear young I learned valuable tactics for surviving in “The Real World” and now I’m a high profile business man that makes millions by day and helps homeless by night. I've made millions of products from "Super Snickers" to the "Snuggy Wuggy" and they were obviously very successful, other wise I wouldn’t own my own island. Designed and built by the hard labor of moi. On weekends, I spend my spare time catching bee's, catching Z'sss and catching women. I also see dead people.

The future can't hide from me. Nor can it control me. My mind is so advanced, I make the future. My mind is so advanced; I have built a time machine. My mind is so advanced that I can speak to animals. I understand women.

           

I am nature but I am not the earth. I convince babies not to cry after birth. The Mona Lisa was drawn by me. Leonardo Da Vinci coloured it in, with his crayons.  My favorite hobby is walking along China’s “Great Wall”. I discovered helium after studying with the great Dr. Van Camp!

I created the numbers 1,2,3 but do not use them for all math is mundanely easy. I sort my novels via cover colour and I speak every language. When extraterrestrials need treaties made in order to stop extrasolar wars, they come to me. I culminate in Kraft Dinner preparation.

            With the acceptance of this application, I will be in need of a box of smarties, a map of all McDonalds in the surrounding area, and a purple knitted uniform baring the Oxford crest. Failure to oblige to these commands will result in the withdrawal of my application as well as the utmost embarrassment.

            I look forward to attending this institution and know that one day I will add Oxford to my resume.